Coffee with my younger self
I am not a poet (though don’t tell that to my angsty, eyeliner-obsessed, dyed-black-hair 15-yr-old self), but I’m going to go ahead and give this a shot anyway…
I met my younger self for coffee
We agreed to meet at 10, both knowing we’d arrive closer to 11
Her excuse? Couldn’t decide what to wear
Mine? Got distracted reading a book
Her hair is straightened, and she dons heavy eye makeup
I am bare faced, with my natural unbrushed waves tossed over one shoulder
She orders a nonfat vanilla latte
I have a black coffee
She asks if she can try mine and without waiting for a response, takes a sip and makes a face
“This tastes like ashes and regret.”
She eyes me for a moment, taking in my nonchalant demeanor and lack of style
“You don’t have a briefcase and you’re not wearing a pinstripe suit. I assume we don’t move to New York and become a lawyer.”
“You assume correctly.”
“Do we ever get out of the suburbs?”
“We do,” I say. “And we don’t look back. We leave the country entirely, in fact.”
“To report in war zones?”
“No, but we have other adventures.”
“Do we write a memoir?”
“Still workin’ on that.”
“Do we ever move to Japan?”
“We do.”
“Is it everything we hoped and dreamed it would be?” she asks eagerly.
I am silent.
She cocks her head to the side, inspecting me
“Your skin’s good for your age.”
“You’ll learn the difference between a compliment and a backhanded one soon after the first time you get ma’am’d.”
“Do we ever stop hating our bodies?”
“Eventually,” I say, “once we gain back all the weight we lost in the attempt to love it.”
“Do we meet the love of our life?”
“We have many loves and live many lives.”
“Are we rich?”
“In friendships and radical acceptance.”
“Does it get any easier?”
“Does what get any easier?”
“Any of it.”
“No. But we learn to deal with it better.”
“Do we…have kids?”
“No.”
She sighs with relief
“Aren’t you supposed to be telling me all the things I shouldn’t do or the people I should stay away from? Isn’t that why you asked me to meet you?”
“I thought that’s what I’d do if I ever met you, but I knew you wouldn’t listen to me anyway, so I came to thank you instead.”
“Thank me?”
“Yes, for
always going after what you wanted
traveling around the world
getting out of toxic situations even if you waited too long to do so
pursuing your passions
learning and trying new things
never giving up on yourself
reading and writing
doing yoga and exercising and drinking enough water
taking risks
fighting through your fears to get to all the good waiting for you on the other side.”
“Wow. I do all that?”
“You do.”
“Huh,” she sits back, a faraway look in her eyes. “I’m pretty amazing.”
“Yeah, kid, you’re not so bad,” I smile at her. “We get there in the end.”
The bill comes and we fight for it
“My treat. I know you’re broke.”
“But never broken.”
I loved this reflection- I was teary eyed. I’ll have to try the same ‘coffee date’ with myself. I might learn something and give myself more grace.