Field Notes on Starting Over: Note #5—Boundary Setting as Self-Care

Strategies for reclaiming your sanity

I love my skincare routine, bath and book time, lighting my emotional support candles while I give myself a mani-pedi. I meditate and do yoga in the morning, sip herbal tea, journal, and enjoy walks in nature. These are the sorts of activities that usually come to mind when thinking of the buzzword self-care.

But real self-care can, and should, go deeper than that.

As I reflect on my current journey of reinvention, it’s become clear that one of the biggest things holding me back from building a happier, healthier life isn’t a lack of spa days—it’s a lack of boundaries.

While the pores on my face may be polished and buffed to microscopic proportions, my boundaries are so porous they’d make anyone trypophobic.

I want to share with you some resources that have really helped me over the past year to establish and reinforce boundaries. Since learning and implementing the strategies in these videos, I am more at peace and able to maintain my calm and sanity—even with people hellbent on robbing me of both.

Give these short videos by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of It’s Not You, a watch and let me know in the comments what boundary setting strategies have worked for you.

Why setting boundaries with a narcissist is so hard

· “Care about what people think, and you will always be their prisoner.”—Lao Tzu

· Feeling like you’re not enough can make you vulnerable to a narcissistic relationship

· Get ok with guilt

When you set boundaries with the narcissist, you get called controlling

· If you learned from an early age that setting boundaries is a bad thing, you can feel discouraged to set them as an adult

· Narcissists will not honor your boundaries, but setting them will open your eyes to see a toxic situation more clearly

· Start small—practice boundary setting with healthy people who will respect them

The “ABC method” of setting boundaries with narcissists

· Quiet boundary setting—you don’t even have to tell the other person you’re setting a boundary

· You don’t have to cut people out completely, but you can restrict their access to your inner world.

· Be discerning and mindful in your relationships

The good, bad, indifferent approach to setting boundaries in a narcissistic relationship

· Boundaries aren’t about controlling anyone—they’re an inside game, an internal shift within yourself in terms of how you interact with others

· Healing is possible through radical acceptance

· Stop sharing the good news AND the bad news with the narcissist—don’t go beyond talking about the weather