Women Who Wander: Interview #1—Hayley Portors
From Oz to Bali and back again
🌸I met Hayley at work my first year in Bali. Once we became friends, she confided that her first impression of me had been that I seemed so well put together that I came off as a bit intimidating (oh, how terribly inaccurate first impressions can be), but that once she got to know me she realized I was just as big a dork as she is! Along with workplace shenanigans, I have many cherished memories of going with her to her husband’s village in northern Bali. Besides being an incredible baker and talented potter, Hayley is one of the most easy-going, non-judgemental people I know; and I suspect this introverted Aussie doesn’t realize just how funny and interesting she really is. Hope you enjoy our first interview in the Women Who Wander series!🌸
Bio
Hayley is currently living in regional Victoria, Australia, after spending 12 glorious years abroad in Bali, Indonesia, before it became overrun with life coaches and crypto bros. She is a lover of beaches, waterfalls, sunrises (the superior time of day), sunsets, cooking and being creative. Discovered a love of karaoke after her time in Southeast Asia (has been known to spend 6 hours in a karaoke room with her husband, fueled by arak-based cocktails) despite being absolutely horrible at it. Fascinated by other cultures and forever grateful for the opportunities she has been given to travel and live abroad.
Where are you from, and where are you currently based?
I am from the southeast suburbs of Melbourne, Australia, and currently based in Mildura. A big-arse regional town in the middle of nowhere in north-east Victoria.
How would you describe your travel style/international experience (e.g., backpacker, digital nomad, luxury, slow travel, expat)?
I have had a real mixture of travel experiences. I have done some solo travel, backpacking with friends, the standard partying-your-way-around-Europe group tour, and, of course, living overseas as an expat for 12 years.
What are you passionate about outside of travel?
Outside of travel, I am passionate about cooking and, most recently, pottery.
What else would you like people to know about you? (passion projects, work, family, pets, special interests, any other information you feel defines you, etc.)
Nothing, I’m pretty boring.
When did the travel bug first bite?
I reckon the travel bug got me when I was around 18, although it took me a few years to take my first trip as a fresh 21-year-old.
What inspired you to start traveling solo (or live abroad)?
Okay, so I guess I have two stories here. My first trip overseas was not a solo trip, but rather a 2-week trip to Japan with a friend of mine. I was actually inspired to visit Japan after watching one of my favorite bands’ DVDs. This band was in Japan in Akihabara, and it just looked unreal. I wanted to go there. This prompted me to conduct further research on Japan, which proved to be fascinating. In regard to living abroad, I don’t think there was anything in particular that inspired me. From my very first trip overseas, I just knew that I wanted to live abroad. It’s not that I dislike living in Australia; I think it’s great here, but I craved something different. Living abroad seemed like such an adventure. I ended up spending 12 years in Bali, Indonesia. I don’t know why Bali won out over all the other places I wanted to live, but it did, and I do not regret it one bit. I never intended to live there, but I just didn’t want to leave.
Was there a moment or event that pushed you to take your first trip alone?
My first solo trip was to Vietnam, and what prompted me was that I wanted to go there and couldn’t be bothered trying to find someone to come with me.
What did your friends/family think of your choice to travel solo/move abroad?
My family have always been supportive of my travels and decision to move to abroad. I think they knew it would happen eventually, and they were probably relieved that I chose to move somewhere that was only a 6-hour flight away.
What countries have you lived in/traveled to?
New Zealand, Indonesia, Malaysia, Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand, 2 hours in Laos hahaha, Singapore, Japan, England, Ireland, France, Switzerland, Italy, Germany, Austria, Belgium, Amsterdam. I did have a trip to Bhutan booked once, but it was cancelled due to lack of interest. So bummed out!!! That would have been a dream trip.
How do you choose your destinations?
Honestly, I think the destinations choose me.
What is one thing you never travel without?
I’m a simple gal…passport and money are the main things.
What’s been your most challenging experience abroad?
I can speak of my experience living in Bali, Indonesia here. Whilst I think I am pretty lucky and haven’t experienced too many challenges, constantly saying goodbye to new friends became hard. There was a good period of time where I didn’t want to put any effort into making connections with new people as I knew they would be leaving eventually anyway. It was a really transient place. Is it okay for me to also say bowel movements….keeping them normal while travelling can be a challenge!
Have you dealt with language barriers?
Definitely! But I love it. Luckily for me, I picked up Indonesian pretty easily, so that wasn’t too much of an issue. Travelling to other places where you are only there short term presented more challenges, but nothing serious.
What cultural differences have been the hardest to adapt to?
The main thing I could never get across in Indonesia is how freely people would comment on things like weight. I have always been on the chubby side, and I know it, but damn! Indonesians are brutal. I was at a ceremony in my husband’s village once, and an older lady made her way across the room just to tell me I was really fat. I don’t know if she knew I spoke Indonesian or not, but I heard her loud and clear. I told her that it wasn’t polite to say that. Some people say that Indonesian people don’t mean it in a rude way when they call you fat, but I don’t think that is the case. It is so common in that culture for people to comment on weight, and even after 12 years in the country I just couldn’t bring myself to accept it. Everything else was a breeze.
Have you ever faced discrimination or bias as a solo female traveler or expat?
There is only one instance I recall facing discrimination, and it was while living in Bali during the COVID-19 pandemic. I think borders had just closed, and there was a lot of blame on foreigners for bringing COVID into Indonesia and spreading it around. I was riding around on my scooter in the backstreets of Denpasar, and an older Indonesian man spat at me. It’s not really a huge thing, but I remember feeling pretty bummed out about it. No one likes to be spat at.
What travel or expat mistake taught you the biggest lesson?
Oh good question! Is it bad to say I’ve learned nothing from my mistakes?
Have you ever felt love at first sight with a city/country?
By the end of my very first day in Bali on my first holiday there, I knew I had found home. The very next time I went there was when I moved there.
What was it about Bali or the people that made you feel that way? What did “feeling at home” mean to you at the time?
When I initially landed in Bali, I was a bit taken back by the traffic, and the taxi squeezing through the tiny roads. Plus, he had the Nazi symbol in his taxi so of course I was thinking "what the actual fuck,” but later learnt that this is a Hindu symbol. As for feeling at home, I'm not 100% sure what it was or why it felt like home, but it just did. I recall sitting on the beach for sunset on my first day and feeling a profound sense of peace and connection. Hard to put my finger on it. I was on holiday at that stage, but I suppose that feeling set the stage for me to move there pretty quickly. They do say that Bali chooses who can stay and who can't, so maybe I was just lucky enough to be chosen. As were you!
Yes, I have heard that. I definitely feel like one of the lucky chosen ones too. Have you ever participated in a local tradition or ritual that deeply moved you?
I ended up marrying a Balinese guy, so I was lucky enough to participate in a lot of ceremonies. None in particular stand out to me, but I always felt at peace during these ceremonies. I should probably say that my wedding stood out to me! Actually, how can I forget my tooth-filing ceremony? This was actually part of a two-day-long string of ceremonies. Strap in because this might be a long story! The range of emotions I experienced those two days was nuts! In Balinese culture, everyone is supposed to do a tooth-filing ceremony. This usually happens when they are mid-to-late teens, but it is often dependent on money, as the ceremony can be quite expensive. Every so often (maybe 5 years, I’m honestly not too sure), villages hold a joint tooth filing ceremony (much cheaper for people to participate in this compared to doing the ceremony themselves), so I ended up joining this. Approximately 100 people participated, making for an incredibly long day. I was up at about 3 am getting my makeup done for the ceremony (traditional Balinese makeup does not suit me at all, by the way). There were so many things we had to do that day, including getting our teeth filed, and I was so confused, but I just followed everyone else. You were on holiday in Bali at the time, so you came along to the ceremony, and after waiting all day to see me get my teeth filed you ended up being in the toilet when I was called up to get my teeth done!
I was so miffed about that! But it’s like you said, keeping bowel movements normal while traveling can be a challenge!
If there was a camera following me around all day you would have seen the full range of facial expressions of WTF, to pure joy to tears that day. One of the strangest and most moving parts of this ceremony was when I had to kneel at the feet of my mother-in-law. We were all lined up on rows kneeling at our parents’ feet (my parents weren’t there, so it was my mother and father-in-law) and had to ask for forgiveness. I think the idea is that you are asking your parents to forgive you for any wrongs you have done while they have been looking after you. Obviously, this wasn’t applicable in my case, so it was just symbolic. However, afterwards everyone stood up and gave their parents a hug. While I was hugging my mother-in-law I looked around and saw everyone was crying, and I said ‘why is everyone crying” and then I just started bawling my eyes out. I still can’t figure out why, but whatever I was feeling was completely overwhelming. The next day was what they call “ngaben masal” and it is basically a village-wide cremation ceremony.
It started really early in the morning with a special ceremony for miscarriages and stillbirths. Many years ago my husband and I experienced a really weird and unexpected miscarriage and we knew we would eventually have to do a ceremony for it, but nothing could have prepared me for the ceremony. What moved me the most about this was how the ceremony was set up. Each family that participated had their own little wooden shrine that they sat in front of. On each shrine was a piece of paper that listed the number of miscarriages and stillbirths that each family had experienced. It was crazy to see how out in the open this was, when in Western culture we barely speak about these things. It was heartbreaking to see the high numbers on some pieces of paper.
What’s the most bizarre or unexpected skill you’ve picked up from living abroad?
I can do the Asian squat really well, thanks to my time in Bali.
How have your priorities or worldview changed since living abroad?
I know this is a pretty typical answer, but my priorities regarding material possessions have changed since living abroad. I know I can survive with less and make do with what I have. This was really solidified when I compared my nephew back home in Australia to my niece in Bali. They are of a similar age. When they were young, around 2 or 3 years old, my nephew had a plethora of toys. He loved cars, and he had a huge collection. My niece, on the other hand, had a plastic Coke bottle cut in half, filled with a few shells from the beach. She was perfectly happy, and it made me really think about what “things” we actually need. Gosh, can you imagine if I ever do have kids? “Merry Christmas, have a rock.”
Do you feel like the same person who left home?
Absolutely not! Each trip away changed me. A really simple example is that I just stopped watching TV after 6 weeks in Europe. However, as far as living abroad as an expat goes, Bali changed me significantly. I moved there in my early 20s and left in my late 30s, so I formed my identity there. I learned a new language, integrated into a new culture, started a new career direction, met some of my best friends, fell in love, got married, experienced the ups and downs of fertility, learnt to ride a scooter, learnt to live with less, and so much more in Bali.
Is there a version of you that exists only in a certain city or country? What brings her out?
Whilst I wouldn’t say I am miserable in Australia, I think I am a happier and more relaxed version of myself in Bali.
Why do you think that is? What about life in Bali lends itself to feeling calmer and happier?
There is just a vibe to Bali. Amongst the chaos there is stillness and calm, and the local people there tend to be more relaxed, so I guess it rubs off on you. It may have also been living so close to the ocean too. All those good ions.
Have you ever felt more ‘yourself’ in a foreign culture than in your own? Why do you think that is?
Kind of related to what I mentioned before, but I definitely feel more myself in Bali compared to now that I have returned to Australia. I think this is only natural, given the formative years I spent there.
Is there anything you grieve about the life you’ve chosen?
Calling multiple places home is always going to have its challenges. There are things I grieved while living in Bali, such as missing so many special occasions involving my family and friends. But now that I have returned to Australia, I grieve the life I had in Bali. It will take me a long time to find that balance.
Have you formed meaningful relationships while abroad—romantic or platonic?
100% yes! I mean, I met my husband in Bali, so that is an incredibly meaningful relationship. But even more than that, I formed strong friendships, which is so special in adulthood. I am pretty lucky to still call my group of high school friends friends; however, the bonds I formed with some of the people I met while living in Bali are on a whole other level. I don’t know what it is, but I treasure those friendships so much.
What’s something you’ve borrowed from another culture that you now considerpart of your identity?
Does a love of spicy food count?
What languages do you speak? Do different sides of your personality come out when you speak different languages?
English is my native language, and I speak Indonesian fairly well, in addition to understanding some Balinese. I’m not entirely sure if different personalities emerge when I speak Indonesian versus English. However, I remember being at the beach once with a friend from the UK. I had met her while we were both teaching English. Anyway, I was speaking Indonesian with the beach ladies trying to sell us stuff and they were pissing themselves laughing at what I was saying and my friend kind of looked at me surprised because I was funny in Indonesian. I don’t know if that means she doesn’t think I am funny in English though.
What’s the most hilariously bad translation or miscommunication you’ve experienced?
I am pretty immature at the best of times so the funniest miscommunication I can think of is when my husband, in English said, “in my behind” instead of “behind me”. Of course I laughed explaining that “in my behind” meant he was saying something was in his butt. Or there was the first time my husband said he loved me and I tried to tell him that he did not love me and that he was just getting confused between English and Indonesian. He still stuck around! As far as mistakes I have made go, I once thought someone was calling me a door (pintu) when really they were calling me smart (pintar).
What does home mean to you?
I’m not sure anymore. Having recently moved to a new city in Australia, I am in a period of feeling disconnected.
What reverse culture shock have you experienced returning to your home country?
There have been small things along the way, such as forgetting how quiet the roads are in Australia compared to Bali (both in terms of people and vehicles) or how expensive things are. One of the biggest things I still struggle with, however, is how hard it is to catch up with friends in Australia compared to Bali (even the expats there). In Australia, if you want to catch up with someone or a group of people you have to book them weeks and weeks in advance! In Bali it was much more relaxed. You could message a friend asking if they wanted to go for a walk the next morning and it was fine.
What’s one piece of advice for women taking their first solo trip?
You will meet fascinating people whom you would never have met if you were travelling with a friend.
Hayley=candor. This interview is like a rich, moist cake that does not need frosting!
this was so delightful to read!! 🩷